Most people try to not set their homes on fire. But maybe you’re feeling a bit nonconformist. If so, we recommend starting out by setting your kitchen ablaze* since it’s the number one place where home fires start. With these tips, setting fire to your kitchen will be a snap:
1. Leave the Stove Unattended
If you’d prefer to not be there when the fire starts, we recommend leaving something on the stove unattended. According to the National Fire Protection Association, the number one cause of kitchen fires is leaving food unattended while it cooks on the stove. So turn the heat way up, and walk away.
2. Throw Your Timer Out
As your mom probably taught you, you should always use a timer to check your food regularly to make sure that it doesn’t go up in flames. But if you want your food to really burn, throw away that timer and wait. You’ll eventually see a nice, thick smoke, and when that happens, you know you’ve done it right.
3. Collect More Clutter
You should keep oven mitts, paper towels, dishtowels, and anything else that is flammable as close to the open flame as possible. If you’re lucky, one of these items will be set ablaze.
4. Dress the Part
If you’re a risk taker, and a more advanced fire starter, you can wear baggy clothes or flowing sleeves when you’re cooking in the kitchen. Loose clothing is extremely susceptible to catching fire because it tends to get pretty close to heating elements when you’re taking things in and out of the oven or standing near the burner when it’s on.
5. Dirty the Stove
When you’re cooking, if your stove or oven is dirty, you’re just begging for a fire to start. Who knew starting a fire could be so easy? So don’t clean your stove after each use, or wipe up any spills, because grease buildup is flammable.
6. Quickly Throw Grease Out
A cool fire to start is a grease fire. All you have to do is throw your grease in the trashcan when it’s still hot and bubbly. By doing this, the grease has the potential to set things in your trashcan on fire, and create one hot mess. How fun!
7. Disable Smoke Detectors
Batteries in smoke detectors are supposed to be changed twice per year to ensure they function properly. But if you want to watch your work burn for a while, just throw out the batteries that are in all of your smoke detectors and get cooking.
* We in no way actually recommend setting your kitchen on fire. It’s a really terrible idea that can lead to extensive property damage, severe bodily injury, and even the loss of life.
In fact, you should do the exact opposite of everything outlined in this article. Keep a close eye on your food while it cooks and on your timer. Keep clutter, clothing, and spills away from heat sources. Don’t dispose of grease until it has cooled. And keep those smoke detectors in good, working order.